Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things, For you died and your life is now hidden in Christ. When Christ appears, you will also appear with him in glory. -Colossians 3:2-4
On March 16, 2016 on a Wednesday morning, I was delivered from the dark depth idol of myself, diets and my relationship with food. I would have told you every singe day of my life before that day, that I always would struggle with ad have an "addiction" to food and never be good enough to conquer it. I believe God gave it to me as a curse, and He wasn't good enough to take it away. I fully agreed to lies that I was fat, I wasn't cool enough for the world and as soon as i got skinny, God would love me more.This has been a long long journey of digging, wrestling and begging Jesus to take this away so i could be " normal”.
What i didn't see was that I wanted God to heal me so I could worship the idol even more. I believed all the commercials, videos, advertisements, and lies within my industry as a hairdresser that as soon as I "conquered" this i would be healed and i would find my identity.
The first time I can remember when I was overweight was when i was 8. My family had moved into a new house and and their was a girl next door my age. I was thrilled and excited to have a new friend. I soon realized though, that I wasn't like her. As an only child, she received things my parents couldn't afford, and that we also couldn't share clothes because I was chubbier than her. I was the fat kid.
At age 13, my grandma had told me it was just baby weight and it would come off as soon as i was older and grew taller. I firmly knew she was wrong and had labeled my self overweight forever. I believed this through high school and my early twenties. My mom was very into fitness and healthy eating. It was a very important part of her life, and i wanted nothing to do with it. I didn't want it to consume my life. I sought the Lord how i knew at that time in my life, knowing that i was saved and that he was my Lord. I didn't understand at that time that he wanted to be part of that section.
By 25, I weighed almost 200 pounds which was heavy for my short frame. I had just moved back home and was ready for a change. I worked hard and discovered the low carb lifestyle that helped me slim down fast, if i was perfect and diligent with it. I think thats when the binging of food began to take a more central role. I associated food as good/bad. If i ate good, i was a good person, but if i binged or ate badly, i was a failure. I still believed Jesus would love me more if i were at the perfect weight.
I started buying the next thing. The next low carb cookbook, the next trainer, the next gym, the next anything. Anything to help me "get it" or a cure. It felt like a vicious cycle, a darkness coming over me. I am a very outgoing and joyous person. My outward personality wouldn't show this to many people. So i also thought no one would resonate with me with it. The lowest weight wasn't good enough. At age 28, i was a size 8 when I met the man of my dreams. Sadly, one of my first thoughts was " will he still love me if i gain the weight back?" He didn't know who i was before.
After getting married, I dove even more into trendy diet ways. I joined Crossfit, ate paleo and doused coconut oil in everything. I was negative about myself, going deeper into despair and gaining weight. I couldn't seem to "get it" I couldn't get it right. I truly felt God wouldn't see me right until I lost the weight and stopped being food obsessed. I signed up for another half marathon, did a whole30, saw a health coach, trying to get it right. Even though i followed those things, I constantly felt not good enough.
I found Dashing Dish on Facebook, after a friend shared a post. The devotions really hit my heart and i felt that Katie really got it. She understood how i was feeling! The Lord was slowly leading me out of my desperation. I also met Sarah through DD and started reading her posts about our worth In Christ. I signed up for the Dashing Dish Transforming Your Mind Bible Study. Slowly, but surely Jesus started working on my heart and telling me he loved me right now. Not when I lost 30 pounds, but NOW! Not when i 'got it", or when i was perfect, but right now. After searching the word, digging deep with Sarah about my worth in Christ, i was being led to read the book You are not what you weigh by Lisa Bevere. It changed my perspective and my life. God began to show me that i was worshipping my body, not the creator. I wanted to be fit and skinny to be one with the world. That was incredibly hard and gut wrenching to realize.
After wrestling, pleading and striving for YEARS, I finally realized that i was a daughter of the King, made to glorify Him. I was not to worship my body, or what the world said i was, or a piece of plastic called the scale. That morning, i wept and cried for deliverance. I repented and asked Christ to take the scales from my eyes. He is able and incredible and powerful!! I have to say this was the first time in my life i felt FREE! God had delivered me and restored me and gave me clarity to my purpose in life. My purpose was to worship Him, glorify him and seek him. He formed my body, he knew how to heal it. He knows what the right eating plan is for me and had shown me through the Dashing Dish recipes and devotions.
Praise Jesus that he has risen from the dead and paid my debt. He has rescued me and restored my soul. I no longer look to the world for my worth. God says I am HIS!!